STAGE FRIGHT

            Putting this down on paper for anyone to criticize gives me a little "stage fright."  It reminds me of how I felt after flying to California to deliver a two-hour presentation.  When I got there, I found out that the man who would kick off the meeting was a famous astronaut.

            He described the seventeen sunrises and sunsets the crew experienced while orbiting earth on the way to the moon.  He explained how he sat in orbit while his companions set giant footprints for mankind.

            When I found out that astronaut, Ron Evans, would precede me, I stayed up half the night polishing a presentation that I believed was finished before I left home.  I was anxious.

            This attack of stage fright brought back memories of how I used to get sick about two days before presentations.  Before one speech I was so white my wife wanted to bet me $50.00 that I was dead.  I was afraid to bet.

"NERVOUS?"

            We had a Kentucky Fried Chicken business-man, turned governor, whose goal was to train bureaucrats to be managers.  I walked into a room with forty-five gray-suited men, sitting with arms folded, staring at me.  They were not excited about hearing me explain how people's behavior affects their leadership, motivation, and communication.

            I left the room to pull myself together.  As I combed my hair and washed my hands, a lady asked me, "Are you nervous?"

            "Who me?" I replied, "No, I'm not nervous!"

            "Then why,"  she inquired,  "are you in the ladies' room?"

            Yes, we all get nervous when we have to deliver an important message.  Our self-esteem gets involved with how well we do.

TAKING THE TERROR OUT

            My fears started early in life.  My mouth kept getting me into trouble.  In grade school I was a little kid with a big mouth.  Where I grew up people believed:  If you want to be seen, stand up.  If you want to be heard, speak up, but if you wanted to be appreciated, you should SHUT UP.

            You wouldn't believe how many times I've heard  "Larry, sit down and shut up!"

            After one speech my mother-in-law asked me if I could take some suggestions.  She enthusiastically took her role to heart.

            "First," she said,  "you read it!  Second, you read it badly,  and third, it wasn't worth reading in the first place."

            Many books about speaking tell us to that choosing good role models can help our speaking.  In my town we didn't have any.  Those coal miners and farmers just weren't talkers.  Walking home from school one warm spring day, I passed a man sitting on his front porch.

            "Hi Ed, How are you?"   I inquired.

            Slowly Ed answered,  "None - of - your - gosh - darned - business!    A n d   I wouldn't have told you that much if you weren't the neighbors' kid"

            So you can see why searching for the best advice on how to take the terror out of talking is important to me.

HIGH TECH -  HIGH TOUCH

            We live in an age of technology.  Most Americans get their concept of the world from a video screen -- broadcast TV, cable TV or the computer CRT.  From the miracle of birth to the mystery of death, our lives are influenced by technology.  Technology propels us into a world of fewer and fewer brief person to person encounters. These hasty interpersonal contacts are often the keys to our success.

            Communicating with many different kinds of people is difficult but not impossible.  From the irritated baby sitter, angry driver, rude checkout girl, to the pushy people at the elevator, our encounters become the confrontational kind.

reach out and touch

            How can you find the time, energy and skill to successfully "reach out and touch" the myriad of people in your daily life?  You can find it by helping others find the high touch they need in this high technology world.  You can do it by putting personal power in your communication.

Power of beliefs, goals, and dreams

            First, look at your own beliefs, goals, and dreams.  Your beliefs, goals, and dreams have more to do with your success than what you know.  Your beliefs, goals and dreams reflect your attitudes toward yourself, your work and other people.  You can, however, learn to control your attitudes.  You can also affect others' attitudes and behavior through effective communication using the techniques in this book.

People Skills Build Careers

            In order to gain our personal and professional goals we must gain the assistance of many people.  PEOPLE SKILLS have become our most important career building tools.  Technologic marvels carry our messages world-wide.  Communication seems easier and easier, but our people-to-people exchanges have changed very little since ancient times.  We still threaten physical conflict when we disagree.  We perpetuate international intrigue and war.

            Few of us can change the world, but we can manage our own lives, especially the way we think and act.  Many daily irritations come from our own inability to communicate our thoughts and feelings effectively.

TRADITIONAL COMMUNICATION CONFLICT

            Some people make us so irritated that we want to believe in retroactive birth control.  Many traditional explanations of interpersonal conflict and poor communication are true.  We do observe different traditions; harbor pre­judices; have diverse value systems; have trouble coping with other people's behavior, and we don't listen as well as we should.  While true, these explanations fail to tell us how to communicate with those lunkheads.

THINKING MAKES IT SO

            Recent discoveries about how our brains process information may suggest ways we can more effectively get others to understand our ideas, and consider our point of view.  Experiments with music and sound are teaching us that we can control our thinking, our health, and the way we get along with others.

            In this book we will explore:

Part 1.   Five Communication Powers and how to use them

Part 2.   Ten communication problems and solutions

Part 3.   Using Humor to persuade

Part 4.   Putting a Presentation Together

Part 5.   Getting What You want

Why people don't hear

            Communication is a process that involves two or more people, a message and a medium to convey that message.  One person sends the message and the other is supposed to listen.

SENDING AND RECEIVING

            Real communication demands more than sending and receiving messages.  It involves feedback and interference.

            Your message may not get to your listeners for many reasons.  Many people set up interference barriers.  Other barriers are social while some are just plain prejudice.  You too may create obstacles by your accent, the language you use, or your vocabulary.

            Your message always goes through filters or barriers of some sort before it gets to your listener; therefore, you must continually ask yourself,

saying what I think I am saying

            Your language, accent, family background, and other factors influence you as well as your listerner.  Since your listener has a different background, you may not be conveying the exact message you think you are.

Smiles

             Smiles can even be misunderstand.  If you smile a big-toothed grin at your date all evening, but you go home and discover a large piece of spinach stuck between teeth, then you can understand how you did not convey the message you intended.  Other barriers to communication are just as powerful.  Words too are confusing.  What do you think of when you hear the word "ring."  The answer used to be "diamond" or "telephone," but our telephones make computer noises and the diamond ring isn't the commitment it used to be.

FEEDBACK

            To be reasonably sure your listeners understand, you must listen and observe them.  You collect feedback.  Feedback comes in many forms.  Body language, facial expressions and, of course, the words people choose to use tell you what they are hearing.

            Many conditions exist that get between you and your receiver.  Many years ago when I was a teacher, I had a penchant for sending students to the office.  One young man entered the office on a day the principal felt long over due for a vacation.

            The young man explained, "Mr. Parish, I was talking to Mr. Bobbert and..."

            Principal Parish rudely interrupted, "What idiotic advice did he give you?"

            "He sent me to you," the boy impishly muttered.

Five Effective Communication Powers

            Our American version of the English language has many simple but confusing words.  Consider the following list.  Can you think of more than one meaning for each word listed?

            If you cannot think of more than one response to each word, ask the next three people you encounter, what they think of as you read the list.  Incidentally, asking people to do something is an excellent way to get good feedback.  Even if they perform the task wrong, you know whether or not they are trying to listen.

            If you are reading this alone, the try to think of a second meaning for each word.  For example, a "screwdriver" may be a "tool" to some and a "drink" to others.  In fact, this test can help you decide which one you want as a dinner companion - a worker or a drinker.  The word "ring" may remind you of a loved one, former friend, phone, boxing or a circus.  Take time now to see how many words you can find for each word listed.

WORDS ARE SYMBOLS

            Dr. Paula Kirby says, "At best, words are abstract symbols of feelings, thoughts and attitudes."

            Words are easily mixed up, and some people are a little dense.  My brother-in-law ordered a small pizza.  The waiter inquired, "Do you want your pizza cut into six pieces or four pieces?"

"Cut it into four.  I'm not hungry enough to eat six," he explained.

            Incidentally, using humor and stories is covered in part IV.  You will learn how even a poor story can help people remember your point.  Making people remember your message is definitely putting power in your communication.

POOR STORY TELLER

            If you see yourself as a poor story teller, remember studies show even if you tell a story that people know, you still make your point.  Those listeners who haven't heard it, will listen to something new.  Those who have heard the story will feel good about themselves because they are in the know.  You win both ways.

Whack on THE head

            Telling stories is one way to give people a Whack on the side of the head[4] every once-in-a-while.  Roger Von Oech whacks people so often that he wrote a book telling how and when it should be done.  Put it on your must-read list.  Here is an example of a way to get feedback from your listeners, give a whack, and have some fun.

            Got it yet?

            How about adding an [S] to the [ix] and make it six?

LEAD AND MISLEAD

            When communicating you can lead or mislead.  The words lead and mislead are an examples of how our thinking can get misled.  There's another example -- we pronounce "lead" as "led"  or "lead" and "mislead" as "misleed" not "misled."

            This same confusion can occur because of the way you say things, so in order to put power in your presentation, you must keep checking with the listeners.  This is called checking for feedback.  You try to understand what they are "feeding" back to you.

            Your second basic effective communication power is recognizing that the message received and understood by the receiver is the one that counts.  The message you think you have sent may not get to the receiver intact.

PIG

            Understanding what people are really trying to tell us is often difficult.  My friend, Ron, was taking me for a ride in his elegant new car.  He zoomed around winding mountain roads revealing the cars elegance and maneuverability.

            As we rounded a long curve, a lady in a rusty old Buick station wagon came swerving toward us.  Ron veered hard right and just barely missed her.  She yelled out her window, "Pig!"

            Ron did not take insults easily, and he prided himself as a quick communicator.  He zipped down his new electric window and bellowed, "Sow!"   Don't you just admire people who have their wits about them so much that they can respond immediately?  Me, I think of something three months later while driving up the interstate.

            Ron turned to me and quipped, "I guess I told that woman driver."  We rounded the turn and standing in the middle of the road was the biggest pig I have ever seen.  Two thousand dollars later Ron understood that the message received is the one that counts.

            Because words fail so often, we depend on our eyes to help with our daily communication.

Daily

COMMUNICATION

body language

            Over half of our daily communication is conveyed by our body language - how we look, dress, smile, frown, stand, walk and sit.  Here are some suggestions to help you put more powerful body language into your communication.

SMILE POWER

            When a boss does not smile, some employees believe there's a big problem.  When a speaker is afraid to smile, he or she may find the audience asleep, hostile or tuned out.  An amusing anecdote or story about yourself puts an audience at ease.

            Even very serious matters can be taken easier on the end of a light-hearted story, or preceded with a affectionate smile.  An appropriate anecdote can be a powerful way to relax a tense situation.

SAME POSITION - DIFFERENT STORIES

            Women and men tell a different story when sitting up straight.  Men look strong.  Women do not.  For many years young "ladies" and secretaries sat straight to listen, take dictation or orders.  To sit with authority women need to sit in a nonsymmetrical position.  Women need to sit a little sideways. leaning back, or resting their arm on the side of a table, desk or chair in order to look in control.

"HANG DOG" SLOUCH

            You send a message of subordination when you sit, stand or walk stoop-shouldered with your eyes toward the ground.  In hillbilly country where I grew up we called that stooped over hangdog look  "slouching."  Slouching humans tell the same message that a dog indicates by putting his tail between his legs.

            When your posture is poor and your eyes avoid contact with people, you are perceived as apologizing for your existence, or you are afraid.  Remember perception is very important in powerful communication

SIT FORWARD

            Sit up and look at people if you want to put power in your communication.  Listen actively and show you are interested in what people are saying by sitting forward in your chair and looking into the speakers' eyes.  If appropriate, take notes, too.

            Showing active interest is a powerful way to tell people they are important.

LOOK AT PEOPLE

            If looking into other person's eyes is difficult for you then look at their mouth or forehead.   Keep your eyes wide open or you will tend to squint.

PAUSE

            When speaking or listening, keep your eyes wide open.  When you must read your notes while speaking try the open-eyed appearance.

            This takes practice, but looking down only after you finish your sentence helps you maintain the power of eye contact.  Continued eye contact while speaking makes you a much more powerful speaker.  If you look down before the end of your sentence, the words lose impact.

            The pause created by your looking down also does three things to put power in your speaking.

TIMING

            Comedians call using effective pauses "timing."  Some of the most humorous speakers pause for long moments just before and after a punch line.  Pauses can be more important than words.  Pausing just before an important point will emphasize your message.  Pauses can be a very effective way to put power in your presentation.

dress appropriately

            People see you long before they hear you.  That first impression is very important.  You never get a second chance to make a first impression no matter how long you talk.  As a television producer I seldom wear a suit and tie, but when I give a speech I always dress for success.

            Several authors suggest that you should always dress for your next job so people begin to see you as successful as you need to be for the promotion.

walk Don't shuffle

            The way you walk tells as much about you as does the hangdog slouch.  If you walk as if you know where you are going, most people will believe you do and treat you accordingly.  The perception people have of you is very important to your ability to get what you want.  Some people may not like you; others may envy you, but they all will believe you know exactly where you are going in your career and life.  A strong erect stride gives you a powerful Image.  Often, people will step aside for the person who seems to know where he or she is going, and others will step in line and follow.

            You can fool many people most of the time.  One older gentlemen I worked with at a car company always walked head erect and with purpose when going to the bathroom.  He told me,  "It makes them think I'm on an important errand."  One day we heard his supervisor mutter as Ed went by, "Ed's going to the bathroom.  It must be ten minutes before break time."

            As I said, "most people will believe," but as Lincoln reminded us, "You can't fool all the people all the time."  On the other hand, politicians are aware that you can fool a lot of them if you act as if you knew where you were going.

Do you really look at people ?

            Looking at people is very important in your quest for powerful communication.  Shifty-eyed politicians got their reputation because people felt politicians could not look directly in people's eyes, so they shifted their attention back and forth.  Many people will